January 08, 2018

Who's Fault Is It?

I love my routine. I love having a plan, knowing what the future holds, and knowing what the expectations are for me. I may be addicted to it. The feeling of moving forward, of progress, towards making something (usually myself) better.

That is why, however, that interruptions to my routine can cause rifts in my mood. These interruptions often come in the form of other people - friends, family, coworkers, etc. - that have a different agenda or a different plan or idea. Instead of only focusing on myself, now I have to take into consideration other people’s wants and needs. This often times breaks my routine. Instead of going grocery shopping on a Sunday and planning my week out, I’m watching NFL football at a brewery eating out. Instead of getting some exercise or meal prepping, I’m hanging out on a couch with other people not doing that. I have come to loathe the unplanned/sitting around a couch doing nothing with no plan/browsing the phone moments. I would rather be by myself moving in some direction (hopefully making forward progress) instead of sitting around with my friends with no plan. And when I am in those “less desirable” situations, I get frustrated, moody, anxious, and angry. I get short with my phrases and retreat into silence. I start blaming others for interrupting my time and my precious routine.

But the thing is, it isn’t their fault. It isn’t my friend’s fault, my family’s, or my coworker’s. They have no control over my routine, they have no control over my reactions. More often than not, they don’t even know what my routine and goals are.

It is my fault. The salty mood, that anxious feeling, that frustration I’m building up - it’s all because of me. I am responsible for not making my routine happen. No one else. Me.

Do I need to meet my macros today and hit my calorie goal? I have to plan for that. I can’t just assume food and nutrient-dense foods will fall out of the sky. I am responsible for what I eat and when I eat. We are going for a hike and in the morning I usually have a protein-rich snack before lunch? Well I need to plan to have that on the hike or an alternate later. I go to a restaurant and order something that isn’t in MyFitnessPal? I need to take note of the ingredients and log them in manually. I know I won’t have time on Sunday to go to the grocery store? I need to go on Thursday night and plan ahead for the upcoming week instead of waiting for late Sunday night or later in the week.

These problems are my responsibility. Other people do not have control or know what I want to do unless I voice them or make them a priority. My ego is clouding my judgment and controlling my mood when in reality, ego is the problem. My routine and goals are not hard - they don’t require me to dedicate hours every day to meet some goal. They are small, incremental, that allow me to grow and progress every day. I am responsible for making sure that I progress every day, no one else. Me.